Albert: Oh God, I pierced the toast!
Armand: So what? The important thing to remember is not to go to pieces when that happens. You have to react like a man, calmly. You have to say to yourself, “Albert, you pierced the toast, so what? It’s not the end of your life.”
– The Birdcage
29 January 2014
I’m going to star thus one by highlighting the mental lack of efficiency when it comes to boarding planes in America. We have learnt that a departure time is not a true departure time and sake goes for boarding times. I feel like there is a way better way to go. Starting with the crazed swarming of the boarding gates by the people waiting to bet on the plane. Here’s a hot tip. If there is announcement that says to take your seat because boarding hasn’t begun, maybe take that advice on board. Standing at the gate, shooting daggers at the people crowding the waiting area and just basically being beyond disgusted in ourselves and our hangovers, we boarded about forty minutes after we were meant to. We scored the side of the plane that only has two seats tiger and that was very, very welcome!!
We scored a newly married or just generally hot-for-each-other couple in front of us with some pretty serious “petting”,smooching and ousting the seats so far back I thought I was going to lose my kind. Though I think our state of hangover may have actually helped with the four and a half hour flight, as though we were so busy trying tobreath and survive that we weren’t worried about the normal creature comforts you are after! 🙂
Landing in Miami, we picked up our poorly packed luggage trying to guess what we must have left behind because we (and by we I mean Jemma had to pack for the both of us) like wild animals and forgot to tip housekeeping or check out. (Sorry!!). Our free South Beach Hotel Shuttle Service came along soon enough and we were on the way in our party bus, smelling like booze and travel and beyond ready for our hotel goodness!! Check in was easy, we had just missed happy hour but to be honest booze was the LAST thing we wanted anywhere near us after the night before. The bartender was trying to tell this pushy European that she was not interested in speaking about politics or religion and it was not a happy conversation and didn’t he want to enjoy his vacation. He was being pretty pushy and she was getting pretty fired up. Jem and I were both ready to tell him to maybe shut up but he went outside to smoke his European cigarettes and ponder his next antagonistic conversation (disclosure: I have no idea what he was smoking and maybe he wasn’t thinking of wanky conversation topics but also, maybe he was…).
Our room was adorable! Chandelier hanging from the roof, bottom cushion type bed heads and pink stitching. A huge closet and decent size bathroom. Most of all it was a room and it was 9:30pm and we hadn’t slept on well over a day and was half so we were excited. We decided against our much needed showers and went searching for foods. Found a burger shop, smashed burgers and fries and coke and then went looking for snacks for our wild night of tv watching. We have six weeks overseas and if you go hard every single night at the start then you are screwed for the rest of it!! Also, way to go USA with the Ben and Jerry’s in stick ice cream form – looks like a magnum and tastes like amazing. Hello Cherry Garcia goodness. Though I won’t lie in saying I was close to getting an entire pint (pints?) of different flavours. Home to long hot showers and removing of gross plane germs because we sat in front of someone on the oaken who basically coughed and spluttered some feral hybrid version of pig/swine/bat flu all over us. Slept like babies!!
We woke up this morning, or rather, mid afternoon ready for food and action. Decided on exercise clothes because we should attempt to do some form of activity while on our trip. So we geared up, slathered ourselves in sunscreen and hit the road. We were met by an incredibly friendly bar tender. The type of bartender your mother and boyfriends warn you about. The kind of bartender that makes you NOT want to experience the free happy hours and be in any other part of the hotel. Which is hard in a boutique hotel. I mean, he was very friendly and was smiling and I am sure it is the type of welcome many, many women enjoy but as Jem put it, he was at Level 100 and we needed him to be more Level 5.
Anyways we had a giggle and took off, quickly. We decided to walk towards the beach and found that we were actually really close to Mango’s Tropical Cafe, which we knew we wanted to check out. We had heard that locals hated it but it seemed to be part of the South Beach experience. We kept walking until we found the strip of coffee shops and restaurants for breakfast. It had a bit of a sales feel to it, you couldn’t really walk along without being pounced on by the hostess to sit and enjoy. We walked about five or six places up and this one place had nice music and we were warmly seated and offered orange juice. We ate delicious omelettes and shared a fruit salad and with the two orange juices later we were staring at a $55 breakfast. Which back home, is normal but in the States – no, no!!
Next stop was a stroll up the strip and then it was boiling hot and being shade hunters we decided that maybe shopping was more on the cards. Ran home to get changed, bartender again tried to get us to the bar and we bolted upstairs, got changed and hit Victoria’s Secret. We had a guy helping us there, which was fine but hearing a man ask you what kind of “panties” you are looking for is unsettling. I don’t care where you are from or how open minded you are ha-ha. After dropping a little more $$ than we should have, we headed back to the hotel because it was drinking time. We had decided we needed some pre drinks before we went to The Palace for our dinner and Drag Queen show!! Unfortunately our bartender was still there and demanded a group hug. We got out of that pretty quickly and jumped into the worlds slowest elevator and awkwardly hit the “close door” button while he was asking us to fashion show our new purchases. Ick.
We headed off up the street in search of drinks because it was so uncomfortable staying at our own hotel for free drinks. We went back to the main strip and we’re coaxed into eating at this one place because we could have a free fish bowl drink. Which seemed like a scam but two sips in and we realised that it was indeed a fish bowl of Long Island iced teas. We had a bit of a look at the beach and then headed back. We are too white to be in the sun for too long. Also we both hate the sand. Judge away.
We had showers and got changed and then decided to have some drinks downstairs. Bartender was a bit full on and I went to the 7-Eleven for a maximum of five minutes. Wen I got back Jemma had a loom of terror on her face. This guy had obviously invaded her personal space and he was sitting next to. Her so I sat on the seat to her other side. He tried to get me to sit in his lap and I was very clear that it was never going to happen and I was definitely not going to do it. Again, I’m sure many girls lap it up but it’s too much for us and I am very, very happy in my relationship and if I found out that my partner had sat in the lap with some lady bartender overseas I would be livid. He got the hint and we bailed outside. Jem let me know that bartender had said some very startling and inappropriate comments to her while I was gone.
We were sitting outside having a good old laugh at the guy and he brought us some more free drinks “Sex on the Beach” – ewwww. Then these two incredibly attractive girls came screaming (woo girls) into the hotel and it was as though a switch flipped for the bartender. He went from Level 100 to Level 1-Basic Bartender. So either one of those girls was his girl or he was interested in. It became way less uncomfortable.
Soon enough it was din dins and Drag Queen time!! We headed off to the Palace and ordered more Long Island Iced Teas and waited for our amazing show. The food and the show did not disappoint. Thank you Tiffany Fantasia for an amazing evening! So much fun and such amazing bodies and a lot of drinks and laughing. Great night out! We raided 7-Eleven for armfuls of American snacks for. Our late night TLC binge fest. Although the judgement of my server for my twinkles, cheese, Cheetos, pop tarts and ranch chips was not welcomes. Shhhh you. I don’t live here!!!!
We slept in until almost lunch time on our second morning. We were loving the sleep ins! We were all pumped to join the hop on-hop off bus which made its way around town but not for $39 we decided to walk as far as we could instead. We stopped outside this house which had people in front of it the day before to try and work out what it was. Turns out it was the Verace mansion. Trust us to totally overlook that. We kept on walking and decided to find Cuban food, since we weren’t heading over to Little Havana and instead walked up to Espanola Way, Havana 157. Which was on a cute alley way. We ordered the specials and a few drinks(strictly non alcoholic after our over indulgence at the Palace the night before). It started to rain once our lunch was over and either way we would be walking through the rain and headed up to Lincoln Road Mall for some shopping.
Shopping wasn’t hugely successful though because for some reason (booze and carbs mostly) Forever 21 size LARGE does not fit me. Way to make me feel terrible shop!! It was pouring down once we got done ere and there was no way we could leave so we decided to find the ugliest things we could and go try them on. I couldn’t zip anything up because according to Forever 21 I should be shot and buried out the back with all the other size 14 gigantors. However I saw Jemma dance around Ina. Jumpsuit and do some pretty amazing dance moves and being happier than any other girl in the world. So it was well worth it!!
We escaped and ran through the now torrential downpour towards H&M and one of the restaurant girls basically ran in front of us to try and make us loom at her menu (mind you she had an umbrella) she didn’t receive the greatest response from us. We ended up getting back to the hotel soaking and freezing and decided on an afternoon of snacks and American TV. Although we could have gone without the extreme judgement from the 7-Eleven guy for more snacks (we can never go there again).
We had Mango’s that night and were both keen for a somewhat early dinner and with intention for no drinks we both ended up with big flamboyant and fruity cocktails – yummo! The food was good, the show was fun but the additional side show is really what took the cake. As Jemma and is sat up on the balcony, drinking our passion fruit and commit monitors and eating our chicken and staring down onto the show..Jemma’s face dropped and she pointed out something that was going on on the dance floor, in the light – for all 20 people in the venue. It wasn’t even 9pm on a Wednesday night. There they were am old couple snogging each other stupid. It was like watching two 18 year olds at the end of the night at your local, when the lights are turned on and the DJ has packed up. The two who are quite obviously going home to bang. It was intense. It wasn’t a bit of a kiss it was hard core making out. The tongues lashing wildly at each other and the old guy grabbing the old ducks bum and rubbing her breast (just the one). Bent over making out, furious passion.
It was kind of commendable. Until it became uncomfortable. We shouldn’t have been watching but they were just all there. It was when old mate went UNDER the shirt and into the bra that shit got real. I have never seen Jemma react so strongly towards something. You could have had singing and dancing parrots riding tropical dressed monkeys on that stage. They were no longer getting our attention. We couldn’t look away. That old man was pulling and tweaking that woman’s nipple (just the one) while darting his tongue in and out of her mouth.
All I could think of was how it was probably like some creepy old snail slowly darting in and out of her old lady mouth. Sure that’s ageist but do you know what else it was? Disgusting. I guess their foreplay was over though because they finally left and we could go back to watching the show. Before any of you judge me – I was not actively staring down into the dance floor to look at the, I wasn’t walking around poking my face into every dark corner to find making out old people they were just THERE where everyone could see them!!
We didn’t buy delicious snacks at 7-Eleven after the earlier judgement from nosy pants cashier but we did find a bottle-o and buy classy tinned margaritas and head back to our hotel for our last night in our super cute pink and white hotel room. We did however spend about five minutes freaking out over clamato flavoured beer. I thought it was just a flavour but Jemma told us that it was actually clam. Clam flavoured drink. I’m sorry, why is this a thing and more importantly, who drinks this?!?!?
Thank you South Beach, for three days of fun, I wish we could spend a week with you!